I Am All Grown Up.

The love to end all love.
Caught in a distant silence from the lowest of lows by a vagrant above.
The sky even leans for these questionable things to find mercy and grace in the spaces between.
The spaces replace even the bitterest of tastes but can’t escape the saliva you’ve spit in its face.
Pretend you can love without him.
I’m sick in bed with you running through my head like the headache grew feet and stomped on repeat.
Your feet match the ground with this ache and the pound without making a sound you’ll be the death of me.
It’s all about me being all about you but you just can’t see it through all the dust in the truth.
But don’t run, because I’ve got this love to end all love that you can’t have unless you push and I shove.
If you can’t fight for me at least fight with me, fight for something, fight against nothing and the perpetual breathing.
A sensual stir turns to nocturnal displeasing.
Displeased and now lonely, the road’s for the loathing, you’re silence in pen seels my veins ya I’m leaving.

It is better to be a humble servant in the eyes of Christ.
Than to be a great man in the eyes of the World.   

Two and one connected at
The broken Son’s reflection.
In the pool of blood erected
on a cross we built ourselves.
A roman and a jewish man
Reflected in a pagan stance.
Divided by the lines of judgement
Buried underneath.
Jerusalem Hallalujah
A Savior King our Yahweh God.
A birth and death, victorious
The world has never
Known another King.

Jesus. Dirt and Mud.
Eyes once were shut til you spoke your words.
Jesus. Lord of the Earth.
Change the blind of Christianity.

www.noisetrade.com/aaronnewberry

I memorized the lines of your face intertwined
 with my fingers though bare hold a rhythmic disguise
Over dust and the trees care to bend at the knees
 to fling falls winter leaves said summer time goodbye
The dirt on your brow mixed with sawdust you plowed
 from the plank you were proud grandfather did ring 
Burned at the core from the sky to floor
 in a secret you swore to keep me safe at ease 

Grow me, grow me your garden
Where infinite life springs, springs up from the ground
Show me, show me you’ve fathered
The grandest of ages, to be my grandfather.  

The furnace you lit calms the bold winter grit
 burned the drops from my spit and crushed cans lay nearby
Concrete adorned with the ash from the boards 
 you had cut into four swept away by the young
Acres of land you would tend with your hands 
 by the turn of the years from the window you’d stand
Lathed with an age a sharp knife carved with grace
 followed twenty one guns to my grandfather’s grave

Know me, know me the deepest
Know all of my secrets, from when I was a boy
Love me, even in my weakness
You did through the seasons, til death led you home.

Yes I know, that life someday.
Will end and all, will fade away.
Until I see, see you again.
Oh I will rest with God just like you did back then.
Yes I will rest with God until we meet again.

You’d probably like me better if you had no idea who I am
See, once you get to know me you’ll uncover all the bad
The inner discord flailing ‘round like a jagged laser beam
You’ll see inside the tyrant of the mind that makes up me
Displayed my imperfections will send you running for the hills
But on the outside looking in you’d think my glass had never spilled
Perhaps it’s that I’m a christian that you love to watch me fall
Or you think that I deserve it I’m not perfect, after all
I suppose I just can’t blame you because I know I feel the same
The only guilty party here is the man walking in shame
If you’d no idea you knew me you might think I’m really cool
But somewhere along the way you figured out I’m just a tool
I’m selfish and pretentious I can’t tie my own tongue down
My cynicism follows me like the lost looks to be found
I’m not claiming to be perfect if I were it’d be a myth
If you want to know the truth perhaps I ought to plead the fifth
I’m just another sinner with a savior I so need
For every good, I’ve done 5 bad, I’ve kept track of all my deeds
Yes, no idea of knowing me might leave you better off
There’s plenty who have left my side and plenty often scoff

Your stomach rose, your stomach crept.
Your stomach filled with air from a theft.
The diaphragm all the time unaware.
Drew inch after inch of this pitiful air.
Not to scare or to hinder.
Forced down through the cleft.
Thievery mocking in silent shared breath.
Binging on H and then 2 on to O
Drawn back to the lungs that will handle the blow.
Wind circulates through the plates, through the blood.
The pilot light out from the beat held above.
A trace of vibration round hollowed and bare.
Knocking for life within bodies to share.
Shattering, smashing like waves of the sea.
Rolling through ribs cut in two just to see.
Punctured and tunneled, a hand reaches depth.
A lung compromised waits deep and depressed.
No life line or ringing, a body lay still.
Just speak but a word to avoid having killed.

It’s easy for us to forget we breathe, simple as can be but it goes unrecognized until influenza or allergies rear their ugly heads. We do it when we sleep, most vulnerable to anything and everything but our bodies just keep breathing for us. The metaphor here is simple, for me breathing is as simple a task as any but for some a struggle and in the moments it took me to write this someone out there breathed their last bit of air. The metaphor continues, just as breathing is essential to life I believe that love is equally essential. Within that comes the need to feel worth, the anomaly is (within the metaphor) sometimes we have to be broken, opened up and most vulnerable to actually love. 

In these moments of vulnerability, opened up lying on the table for the doctor to pry, it’s with the hands of the physician that we are brought back to life. The air circulates through us, just as love can so do. But unlike breathing, we are conscious of the love we seek and may someday find (or have already found) just not until we’ve been opened up and examined and for lack of a better term, “fixed.” 

“No life line or ringing, a body lay still. Just speak but a word to avoid having killed.” This is personal, the ringing represents the phone and the speaking represents the person on the other end. It could be anyone, but sometimes you just need to hear from someone. “Depressed” doesn’t represent a feeling, it represents an action, when our chest has depressed and all air has left our bodies we then need to fill it up again. Elementary, I know, but the point is that you don’t know for certain you will take that breath after breathing out, just like you don’t know if you’ll receive love in return after giving it. 

If you wouldn’t purposely cease breathing in fear of the next breath, don’t stop loving in fear of what comes next. If worse comes to worse, there’s a great physician that can “fix” you.

Altruistic society.
Tapes relayed my depravity.
Handsome young man put your teeth to the floor.
Dread not, tred lightly you’re a king at the core.
Shutter in silence the dark rooms are bare.
“Fear not” in a whisper sends chills up the stairs.
Breathe O so deeply you rugged old man.
Life passed you by while you built it in sand.
No man should wander the way that you do.
Safety is waiting for you and a few.
Cringing and moaning the needle stays still.
It drips down cathedrals you built in your will.
Death is a’knocking with nowhere to turn.
Your prison held nicely with harsh winters burn.
Your teeth they are cutting and cunning like new.
The walls they climb out only darken the view.
The rock it holds steady, the sand dissipates. 
The castle you built hasn’t stood in some days.
Violently pacing about in your cell.
Drowning to death you’ve been called on by hell.
No ear should hear this erroneous deed.
You dealt with the things that you knew would mislead. 
A father to none yet a bastard to some.
Sense peers for victory but waits for the sun.
The son did shine brightly through cell bars you see.
The Jesus you painted that came to set free.
A cross that he carried you once urged to mock.
The wolf that you were once did follow the flock.
That stinging sensation you feel through your days.
Married to ignorance that made you this slave.
So wither here safely behind heavy walls.
Look close and you’ll find you’re no different than Saul.